nothing [entries|friends|calendar] * [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

smeared. black. ink. [10 Jun 2005|11:10pm] [ music | the postal service. ] gone.

it was almost too bright to see. [19 Apr 2005|08:02pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | postal service-the distric sleeps alone tonight ] ( a movie starring you & me ) (me and john had a picnic today. it was absolutely amazingly wondefully spectacularly perfect)

and i cant accept because i am uptight [03 Jan 2005|08:04pm] [ mood | not good, thats what! ] [ music | no doubt-big distraction ] -bad mood today, in school -after school watched the hound rehearsal, hung out with them, felt better. -craig drove me, laurie, the macphails, albie and nick home -after macs and albie left me, craig, nick and laurie got pizza -dropped off nick, dropped off laurie, i went to my nanas. -hung out with michasma for about an hour -then they left for the airport =( -now i'm here and feel like crying- ( its painful, but it's worth it ) the real inspector hound friday january 7th, 2005 $4 at the door ((go see it, it kicks arse!!!!)) ever think that someone doesn't want to talk to you, simply because they don't want to talk to anyone about it, only to find, they damn well wanted to...just not to you? i sure as fuck have

admission so embarrassing, i'm on the verge of tears again. [02 Jan 2005|01:45pm] [ mood | read the fucking entry ] [ music | harvey danger-problems and bigger ones ] you know that sick to your stomach, lump in throat, want to scream, almost on the verge of tears, but not enough to cry just enough to hate it feeling? thats how i feel right now, its how i've felt these past few days. make it go the fuck away all with a nice topping of PISSED OFF FOR NO REASON. (again) yippy. ( the one happy point to this entry )

thats a fact jack! [08 Dec 2004|09:26pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | tv. . ] Today, was...terrible. but i did go to karate, i missed it. ( I CANT READ YOUR MIND! ) the end.

do me a favor and let me know, cause its hard to tell. [07 Dec 2004|07:26pm] [ mood | jealous ] [ music | making christmas-NmBC soundtrack ] i feel so childish some times. like i catch myself, in a really immature thing or something i'm saying...and i just feel this whole wave of regret. and at the same time, i don't like to say that. that i don't want to be childish anymore. because, i really am gonna miss being that oblivious to the world. but its time for me to move on, its been time for a while now. and i'm not sure where any of this is going, its very confusing, all of it. but i guess for the first time, i really just want to: grow. up. so today, was today. i felt pretty unwanted for a chunk of it, then that feeling dissappeared entirely. haha, that probably made like no sense whatsoever to any of you. ( i don't believe what's happening to me, my hopes...my dreams. ) ...i guess?...

would it mean anything to you, if i said you we're everything to me? [06 Dec 2004|08:52pm] [ mood | helpless, useless...just less. ] [ music | tv. basketball crap, eh i dont know. ] i forgot to put anything about wenching at the madrigal dinners. basically, did that friday/saturday night (so sat. i was wicked sore). it was tons of fun and went to the cast party, cause they over supplied on pizzas. "it was a simple matter of physics and some biology...but no chemistry i swear!" "bulimic tick!" "and to top it all off, there was polka!" *is still wicked sore..ow...ow...ow* ( you're not nothing, please believe me. ) *hugs*

I AM A BLACK BELT BABY!!!!!!!! YESSSAAAHH!!!!!!! [04 Dec 2004|04:51pm] [ mood | SOOO PUMPED (and in pain) ] [ music | Teenage mutant ninja turtles theme song!!!!!!!!!! ] OH MY GOD! I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT! you have no idea how fucking pumped and happy i am right now! (or how much pain i'm in, unless of course you just tested with me) ( the workout, if you can handle it! ) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!! SO FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!

Creative Form [03 Dec 2004|02:27pm] Start facing north/12:00. Attention stance, bow, salutation, attention stance, bow. Step left foot back in neutral stance. Do a downward block with the right hand, punch with the left hand. Perry with the right hand, palm heel with the left. Do a downward block with the right hand, punch with the left hand. Ax kick, with left leg, land in highblock/lowblock stance, still facing north/12:00. Spiraling twigs, shoulder roll towards southwest/7:30. Jump/spin chicken round kick, towards northeast/1:30. Land in right neutral stance facing North/12:00. Triggered salute, right leg front kick, right leg side kick, right leg round kick. Locked wing, right leg front kick towards southwest/7:30, right leg back kick towards northeast/10:30. Right leg crossover hook kick towards northeast/7:30. Land in left neutral stance. Five swords towards north/12:00. Horse stance towards north/12:00, scraping hoofs, split kick. Escape from danger. Kneel on left knee, left knife hand, right palm heel. Right leg chicken front kick. Pinning wing. High block sidekick left, high block side kick right. Grip of death, foward roll south/6:00. Split kick, right leg spinning side kick, land north/12:00. Sword of destruction, right leg hurricane kick, right hand hammer, right hand whip, left hand through punch. Attention stance, salutation, bow. any karate people who might read this. PLEASE tell me whether or not thats right.

aren't you glad we got smart bombs? [02 Dec 2004|06:52pm] [ mood | stressedish ] [ music | faint-southern belles in london sing ] HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY MASON!!!!!!!!! yes, thats right...my wonderfulest Mason is 5 today. I miss him mucho! today was alright, drama was fun...did my monalouge again and i think i did ALOT better than last time. then i stayed after, worked on my creative form...which SUCKS. and it needs to be longer, ugh! i still gotta type that up...fuck. *feels the stress settling in* well, i'm off to do my physics paper. yay. ( dude...thats pretty weird )

caaiiieeeeeeety urrruuuQUAhart [01 Dec 2004|06:28pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | cake-perhaps, perhaps, perhaps ] dude. i won "student of the month". thats gotta be the most amusing thing...ever. hahahaha, how i ever managed to pull that one off, i will never know. but it was worth it just to hear grant completely butcher my name on the announcements, haha. HIGH 5 GRANT! anywho, today i hung out with john, ryan, steph, tony and ethan at johns house. it was pretty fun, we all had peanut butter and fluff or fluff and toast or something like that since that was pretty much all they had to eat =P i finished my creative form, i think its pretty cool, even if its like almost ALL kicks. but i have 9 techniques in there, and i only need 8 so yay! now all theres left to do is pray i dont die on saturday. if you can wench for madrical, friday or saturday, they need a couple more people for each night. you know you want to...come on...you know you want to. GIVE INTO THE WENCHING PEER PRESSURE!!! GIVE IN! uum, there isnt much more to update about...but i found this to be about the sketchiest survey result. ( if you cant make your mind up, we'll never, get started )

welcome to a new kind of tension [29 Nov 2004|04:43pm] [ mood | wicked stressed ] [ music | greenday-jesus of surburbia/a whole bunch of other songs ] i am one stressed out little girl. being the absolute moron i am, i thought my black belt test was on the december 18th, but NO thats our graduation. The test is actually december 4th as in THIS SATURDAY. and i still need to make up the rest of my creative form, i havent trained like at all. And i need to figure out my costume peasanty thingy for the madrigal dinner, I've got an 8 page civ paper due in 2 weeks i have barely started on and cant for the life of me figure out a thesis statement on. and a shitload of other homework on top of all that. and i am having a freaking huge amount of trouble appreciating what i have...you dont get that, but whatever. yeah, i definitely had my first ever panick attack today in drama...i never knew what those felt like until today. haha, dinah and laurie had to like sit with me out in the hallway until i calmed down. I think I'm gonna cry. ( to run, to run away )

halfway around the world [27 Nov 2004|04:02pm] [ mood | listless ] [ music | green day-letterbomb ] big news folks! I AM GOING TO SINGAPORE!!! thats right from june 29th-july 16th i will be on the other side of the world! i am sooooo excited! (and of course a little sad, for i will miss you all). thanksgiving was wicked fun, as usual. ate tons. yeah not too much to say about it. and i got to talk to mike on the phone so that was awesome. last night carolyn slept over, first we went to the mall then to the movies and saw the kranks, pretty good but not awesome. the ending was really sweet. i feel like i wanna write a poem, but nothings coming to me. eh, your probably all sick of reading my stuff anyways. haha. well if anything pops up. i'll probably edit this entry and stick that in there. i wish i could be a better sister... i know, i know i have these survey things way too much. but this ones new and i like seeing peoples answers. ( dearly beloved are you listening? )

then i can stop thinking and finally be [22 Nov 2004|05:01pm] [ mood | irritated w/ myself ] [ music | nirvana-in bloom ] today. performed my monalouge in drama. but chino wasnt there. so i'll hopefully get to perform it again. i did okay. not awesome, not terrible but okay. uum then after school, hung out at johns, had an ortho appointment and got some McDonalds. yeah, thats about it. ( my divorce from dependence, thats when you found me. i was still soft )

no one cares when you live a life so hollow [21 Nov 2004|08:27pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | paper tiger-vermont ] today. in a nut shell: -woke up, got dunkin donuts -called john, see if i could hang out -he came and pegged me over -went to kens, me, john, ryan and ethan -met up with josh/then pat -went back to johns -ethan/pat/josh were all gone by like 5(?) -watched movies -steph came! -had to go home. (7:15) ( in our world someone needs to take the blame ) dude, me and carolyn are hanging out friday! i am oh so very excited, cause its been far too long since we've hung out. and even if i dont see her too much, she's my best friend! ♥ *hugs*

What an amazing time [20 Nov 2004|02:28pm] [ mood | peaceful ] [ music | coldplay-yellow ] Tournament of plays, went extremely well. with the exception of us having no sound effects. but thriller was awesome and it all came out wonderfully. The juniors won the masks, the freshman won some class awards. it was all very cool. "Go get neutered!" "Did you just say cheez it?" "I like fish. They're quiet. Unlike you" "Booya Grandma!" i really do love acting. then after tournament, steph wanted me to sleepover, so i got the okay from my mom and went over there. and it was cold, since i had left my sweatshirt in sra. barnetts room so i was on the back of johns bike, going home and we were both freeeeeezing. steph went to bed earlier, and ryan couldnt stay over. so i ended up watching tv with john for most of the night. we watched some funny stuff. i guess, here it seems dull. but it was honestly one of the best nights of my life. ( hugs )

me too. [18 Nov 2004|09:42pm] [ mood | wonderful ] [ music | del amitri-roll to me ] TOMORROW IS TOURNAMENT OF PLAYS!!!! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO COME!!!!!! ITS GONNA BE ONE KICKASS SHOW!!!!! GO FRESHMAN!!!!!!!! alright, i also managed to type up "vincent" by tim burton. i think i didnt get it completely right though. ((Talia, feel free to correct me)) ( cause it is plain, as anyone can see, we were simply meant to be ) i cant stop smiling

whatever just as long as i dont feel [15 Nov 2004|07:31pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | a perfect circle-the noose ] he hits you hard, fast, powerful and i dont scream for help you fall to the floor smash, break, pain and i just sit here watching you're being attacked kicked, hair-pulled, punched and i practically cheer him on you look up into my eyes begging, pleading, scared and i don't even blink your going through hell fire, burn, die and i don't get you out things are getting confusing this way, that way, your way, my way and i dont set you straight you are suffering pain, anguish, terror and i pretend not to care you're crying now sad, angry tears and i don't wipe them away you don't understand, why i don't stop your pain hurt, broken, upset and i say: "it's the only way i can hurt you, the way you hurt me" uum hopefully you like that, i wrote it at jessies house. and i figured i'd post it. and in other news, had a rehearsal today for tournament, and we suck. very depressing. but you all still have to come see this friday!!!!!!! ( hey princess can i shake your hand? )

there beneath the blue suburban skies [14 Nov 2004|08:00pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | nothing gets crossed out-bright eyes ] ( your halo slippin down, to choke you now ) saturday night-sunday morning, slept over jessies house, twas some fun. and today saw the incredibles with cass and mom and it fucking rocked! "you married elastigirl...AND GOT BUSY!!!" hahaha aaah yes, and see i dyed my hair red: *hugs*

ignore the world create a new one [13 Nov 2004|11:19am] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | VAST-the last one alive ] dude, tracys party last night was the best. haha, i had tons of fun! i got to see adam for the first time in forever i was uber excited to see him, but chris didnt come so i was sad cause i was looking foward to seeing them both :(. oh well. i made tracy a mix, since i am infact that cheap. i hope she likes it, but i cant be too sure. it was me, mike, adam, tia, alicia, michelle, patrick, katie, kristen and erik and obviously tracy...i think thats all. twas quite a fun night :) uum yeah, there isnt much else to say, since my day has been pretty uneventful thus far, but i figured i'd update about the party and steal this oh so alphabetical survey from grant (who still needs to burn me that cd). ( now i know my ABC's next time wont you sing with me ) alright well i will probably just sneak my way back into this entry and put what i did today in it. and possibly some pictures since the new snow is always very photogenic *hugs*

thought of you as my mountain top, thought of you as my peak [12 Nov 2004|04:27pm] [ mood | psychin up for tracys party! ] [ music | the pixies-here comes your man ] today was weird as hell. i was in the worst mood all day, like i wanted to cry or scream or something. eh, i think i'm better now. and we got monalouges assigned to us in drama, so i am excited to perform that, and tournaments in a week, and thats going to kick ass ((even if we are screwed)) umm...there isnt much else to say, but i'm psyching up for tracys birthday party!!!!!!!! ( outside there's a boxcar waiting ) *hugs* ((shut up, i know i havent done that in a lot of entries)) ....and check out the new picture...hot stuff...

a comforting lie...cant last [11 Nov 2004|06:22pm] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | sherry fraser-marcy playground ] today was pretty cool. hung out with john, ryan, ethan, josh, pat and steph! (and i was very excited to see steph, cause i feel like i havent seen her in FOREVER) ( we were all wondering, when will you come back? ) oh shit. my mom found out about something today. i'm not gonna say, what. cause thats honestly none of your business. and those of you who know, are smart enough to figure out what it is i'm talking about. holy shit, holy shit, holy fucking shit

i'm not how i used to be [09 Nov 2004|05:22pm] [ mood | like i suck, but not so much. ] [ music | timberwolves at new jersey-taking back sunday ] ever wake up in the morning, and just know that you suck? today was one of those days. i woke up and the first thought that entered my mind was; "caity. you suck" no joke. happens alot, for me anyways. so today has been really weird, cause i didnt wanna act all down and mopey, cause that wouldve just made people ask whats wrong, and theres no point in that. itd all be a little easier, if i actually didnt suck. but you know what? i do. fanfuckingtastic. in lighter new, i took some pictures of Collen and Taylor today, since collen is the shiz and Taylor is our newest, but screaams way too much. ( STOP. bubba time ) you always seem to put me in a better mood

blackbird has spoken [07 Nov 2004|04:15pm] [ mood | shocked, still. and bored ] [ music | the pixies-levitate me ] here's a survey i stole from mike cause i was BORED...and it actually didnt help ( i dont ever wanna feel, like i did that day ) my life right now is just...wow...thats all i can say...wow... why cant things ever be simple?

you know i'm thinking of you [06 Nov 2004|03:32pm] [ mood | artistic ] [ music | michael jackson-thriller! ] last night from like 4:30-5:30 i hung out with molly at the library/highschool. and for the last 15 minutes or so, Aran was there, he's so nice. then i went to the mall, and found tracy, mike and this new kid jonathan, who was really friendly. and we ended up walking over to wendys (yuck) i hate going over there, cause its always a bunch of people i dont know like at all, and even though they're fairly nice, i just feel awkward. so then jonathan decided to walk back to the mall, and obviously i went with him. there i found jessie and her friend jackie (who was super duper cool) and we ended up getting kicked outta the mall for like 20 minutes, cause some jackass kids were being all dumb next to us and the security cops thought we were with them. then i texted/called molly who was with jaime, sarah and lacey. so they talked to the mall cops and got us back into the mall. so it ended up being me, jessie, jackie and all of them for a while and i had such a good time. tracy was mainly hanging out with mike, so i didnt see her much. (she made all these new friends, and now shes never around, but oh well). after jessie and jackie went home. i walked around with molly, jaime, lacey, brittany and lizzy for a while. and ended up sorta getting seperated from everyone and just walking around talking to jaime. and it was probably one of the best conversations i've had in my life, especially since i never really knew her before then. i felt like i could open up to her, without being whiny, and she did the same thing back, but it never once felt like we we're complaining, just talking. it was just one of those conversations, that you remember. i wrote this last night, on the piece of paper jessie gave me, it's sorta like my last poem (well not really) with the whole autumn thing. ( what can i say? its a poetic season ) and today i served tea at the church, and my feet killed! but i was good practice for when i plan to waitress, once i turn 16 that is. i really have no idea, where things are gonna end up, if history will repeat or not. i just try not to think about it, cause thinking about it hurts like hell

i dont have anything, because i dont have you [05 Nov 2004|03:30pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Jimmy eat world-get it faster ] today was okay, i went to school and that was just like every other day. it was funny though, cause i was freezing in foods and craig was like "dude, your covered in goosebumps, want my jacket" and being the cold little child i was, i took it. and then after, i went with him to the hound meeting cause i wanted to ask about crew (which didnt happen, heh) then he left and i was still wearing the jacket. and i was like frantically searching for him, cause i knew i wasnt gonna see him again, and if i ended up bringing it home i'd lose it or itd get thrown up on. haha, so finally at lunch dinah and laura (♥) took me to bring it to him since i had no idea where to find him. then after school i was planning on taking the bus, but i signed up to wench for madrigal so i missed the bus. go figures, then i was gonna get a ride from jaimes mom but ended up finding craig and asked him to give me a ride since jaimes mom would have to go to like 3 different parts of town if she dropped me off, since she had molly too. and now i am here, bored as hell and figuring out plans with molly and then going to the mall like i always do. oh yeah, and this new baby we've got, Taylor, she annoys the crap outta me! i wrote this poem, and i showed it to molly and she called it "incredible" and jaime commented on it today, so i guess its good. the last lines are sorta stolen from something tracy had a while ago. and for some reason a couple lines seemed familiar to me, but i honestly cant think of why. ( it couldnt be autobiographical, you'll see ) its been a decent day, thus far.

my ding a ling a ling [04 Nov 2004|09:32pm] [ mood | pumped, still! ] [ music | VAST-free ] dude, last night was the coolest thing i have done in a long time! ( d-o-w-n thats the way to get down! ) i think this year, i wanna become better friends, or closer with dinah, craig, emily s, nick, milo, ching tzer, grant etc. i dont know, they all seem like really cool people, the kind i could be crazy and goof off with, but still manage to have a conversation a little bit deeper than my bathtub. i don't know if it'd actually happen, but its sort of a "goal" of mine for this year. also, to at least say hi to tim one of these days. if not more, haha. i've decided, i'm not gonna let it bring me down so far this time, besides there still seems to be a strand of hope, and you know what? i am damned tired of being such a basket case

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! [31 Oct 2004|08:33pm] [ mood | good ] [ music | tv. cold case, dads watching it ] i figured i'd update about this all too awesome holiday! went trick or treating, with cass, kelly and madison. fun stuff and i got oodles of free candy off of strangers!!!! now i am just on here until the dirtcake gets served.....oooooh man, i love me some dirtcake! I was "victim of batman", cassie was a dead nun, Madison was grapes (it was awesome), kelly was a witch and the best part...jared was batman! hahaha...man, me and madison take the cake for the coolest costumes! ((so sad, its cassies last year)) ( trick or treat till the neighbors gonna die of fright ) HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

salt, sweat, sugar on the asphault [30 Oct 2004|04:21pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | sweetness-jimmy eat world ] yesterday. was...i don't even know. part of me thinks it sucked, part of me thinks it was okay. and a small molecule of myself, actually enjoyed it. ( i never said thank you for that ) my friday, went nothing like i had planned, and now i'm not so sure, if it was a bad thing or not and now i am looking for something to trace for my kick ass halloween party, psyching up for matts party and am absolutely devastated because it turns the Jimmy Eat World concert me, john and alex were gonna go to isnt gonna happen (why cant we just be 18?!) ...i really dont get myself sometimes...

the curse is reversed [28 Oct 2004|03:47pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | some crazy old western my dads watching ] ( I am the best damned Chino ever! (oh yeah, and a funny little survey thing i stole from Michelle) ) yup, today was "dress like a teacher day" at my school, so i went as Chino, cause he kicks a lot of ass. i might have strep, even though i don't feel sick at all. but my tounsils are huge and covered with white spots. i hope i dont, cause thatd mean no school and no school means no drama!!!! CONGRATULATIONS RED SOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bout time...its only been what? 86 years?!

you can make it okay [26 Oct 2004|06:52pm] [ mood | creative ] [ music | eleanor rigby-the beatles ] I'm sorry sorry for whatever i did whatever i did, to make you so mad to make you so mad, that you'd stop saying "hi" you'd stop saying hi to me in the halls, and just glare Just glare at me, until i look away I look away, because i am ashamed I am ashamed for not knowing not knowing, whatever i've done wrong i've done wrong, i must have i must have or you'd still speak to me still speak to me, and laugh with me laugh with me, the way you used to the way you used to, so many months ago so many months ago, when we were happy we were happy, remember that remember that, cause thats all you can do you can do without me, but i cant do without you i cant do without you, is it not obvious obvious that i am sorry i am sorry, for what? i don't know i don't know, i just don't know, i just dont know, cause you wont tell me ((made a sort of new writing style today, enjoy)) *hugs*

maybe not 1,000 words... [24 Oct 2004|08:39pm] [ mood | pooped ] [ music | tv. extreme makeover home edition ] i took some random pictures in and around my shopping cart, yesterday. i wanted to post them cause they are cool. ( i dont wanna die, sometimes i wish i'd never been born at all ) yup, slept over johns/stephs with them and ryan and joe saturday, lots of fun. but i am too tired to rewrite it all.

lets stop and call it history [23 Oct 2004|11:24am] [ mood | thankful, for my lover!!! ] [ music | no doubt-world go round ] 01. Who are you, what's our relationship: 02. How and where did we meet: 03. What's my middle name: 04. How long have you known me: 05. Tell me one good thing about myself: 06. When you first saw me what was your impression: 07. Have you ever had a crush on me: 08. Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you: 09. Describe me in 3 words: 10. Do you think i'm good looking(be honest): 11. How would you describe me to someone: 12. Would you ever date me: 13. Tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did: 14: What do you like most about me: 15: If we could spend a day together what would we do: 16: Have we ever gotten in a fight: 17: Do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years: 18. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 19. What do you think my weakness is? 20. What makes me happy? 21. What makes me sad? 22. What reminds you of me? 23. If you could give me anything what would it be? 24. When's the last time you saw me? 25. What song (if any) reminds you of me? 26. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be? 27. Would you make a move on me? 28. Do I cross your mind at least 1 time a day? okay, so i know i've posted that a couple times before. but i have nothing better to do, and more people read my journal now...so you know what take it. (thank you carolyn, i love you so much ♥) ( *hugs* )

its in my soul [22 Oct 2004|10:55pm] [ mood | fucking awesome! ] [ music | killers-mr. brightside!!!!!!! ] man today was fucking awesome. ( how did it end up like this? it was only a kiss ) now i'm here, online talking to people and in a fucking awesome mood! *HUGS*

this is the sound of settling [21 Oct 2004|08:22pm] [ mood | weird, in a bad way. ] [ music | death cab for cutie-a lack of color ] somethings wrong with me, i'm sick or something, but i have been in the weirdest state of mind these last couple of days. i would blame it on me being sick, but its happened before, and i wasnt sick. like yesterday, i went to the library, and just got so angry, at myself i think, and i couldnt do anything about it. i was just walking around trying not to scream or cry or something, going up and down in the elevator. digging my nails into my fists, it just wouldnt stop. then today, i felt like i was gonna cry all day. i got to the point where i was swallowing all the time to stop myself from cracking. i didnt let anyone notice, cause it would've been pointless. i hate when this happens ( death cab for cutie concert!!! )

it is I mo-dean [17 Oct 2004|08:19am] [ mood | sorta sick ] [ music | nothing*gasp* (but i have mo-dean in my head) ] seeing how i am on here at 8:20 in the morning, this update isnt gonna be about today. ( its like square dancing, only we didnt get to wear cool hats ) then today, were gonna go to Alexandras christening and then see some bug thing in framingham. its gonna be me, cass, mom, madison, and maybe jaredhead and maybe my dad. "family outting" time, oh man...this should be interesting. by the way, all my entries are gonna have to have little LJ cut things on them for the time being, cause this website is being a bitch and wont let me view my comments, so i need that to see them. *hugs*

complications of a mastermind [16 Oct 2004|12:10pm] [ mood | indifferent ] [ music | red hot chilli peppers-get on top ] i'm gonna go hang out with molly today, but this update obviously isnt about that, haha, since it has yet to have happened. ( last night. fun stuff. ) well mollys gonna be here in like half an hour, so i should probably take a shower. although, i'm not sure what it is about my "natural aroma" the public wouldnt like. *hugs*

good stuff baby [14 Oct 2004|06:55pm] [ mood | slightly hopeful ] [ music | B-52's-good stuff ] today was pretty cool. school was just school, cause school is always just school. then after school, i auditioned for the part of cynthia in the real inspector hound. i actually did pretty good, i think. i mean, for a freshman. i felt wicked young, cause everyone there, with the exception of bill was a junior and emily whos a senior. it was okay, cause its all the juniors who i'm like tight with, so i didnt feel too left out or anything. the whole part is more based on chemistry than talent, and i acted next to craig and milo, i had pretty good chemistry with craig, and surprisingly good chemistry with milo. but, i didn't see emily audition, but she's a senior, and she's good. so my odds aren't so great, but i've got my fingers crossed. and i if i don't get it, thats cool too, cause i can always do the spring show and tournament. then after that, i went over to johns house to hang with steph, since johns grounded and all. we watched a lot of Holes, since i had never seen it before. it was fuuuuun stuff. =P then around 5:40 steph and john (yes he was freed) walked me home. well now i am off to my d.ance class. dude, i think i should start spelling my name "Cait. E" *hugs*

too tired to think of a title or lyrics from any songs damn it [13 Oct 2004|07:33pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | system of a down-forest ] i should probably be at karate right now, but i'm seriously like falling asleep. i hate going to karate when i'm this tired. today, we had a tournament meeting till like 5:30. it was pretty productive, but i'm not gonna say anything we did. there are spies everywher. but it was cool, we got a lot of stuff done, and john, ethan and steph stopped by. and i was very happy to see steph, cause i feel like i haven't seen her in a wicked long time. which actually isn't true, but whatever. then after the meeting was over, i went to meet them at the skatepark. and i saw jared and my uncle jeff and i was like "dude! what are you doing here!" and jared said they were playing soccer with madison, auntie heather and paige. so i went with steph down to see them and brought paige over to the skatepark, hehe, she was being all "shy" it was kinda funny, since she's not shy at all. oh well. then her family came and took her home. and i hung out there until 6:30 when cass came and drove me and steph home/stop and shop. dude, i might be in ching tzers act for mr. bhs, that is if i don't get too freaked out standing on his shoulders and such. or possibly stand on his legs...? i'm not sure how that'll happen, but i guess i will soon enough. hmm, i think i was gonna write more in here or something. but i cant seem to remember, and i am so tired, so i'm off. *hugs*

these people aren't your friends [11 Oct 2004|06:49pm] [ mood | and blah ] [ music | tv. friends ] yes, here i am, bored and following the crowd. ( psycho. groupy.cocaine. crazy ) i hate days like today. actually more like late-afternoons/nights like this. i'm in such a blah weirdass mood. psh. this sucks

dog attack! [11 Oct 2004|03:00pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | alex and cass talking about fat people ] ( Alex, being attacked by my dog in a bear suit. No seriously, its true )

how did you ever get such high hopes? [10 Oct 2004|02:44pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | oingo boingo-spiders ] i am gonna be alone in my house for the next like 6 hours! dude. this is either gonna rock or i'm gonna end up freaking out. haha. oh well. i babysat at the church this morning and watched the station agent when i got home, okay movie. yeah bitches. thats right, i've got another survey! ( when i was younger, so much younger than today ) i really need to start using commas more. *hugs*

running in circles [09 Oct 2004|10:00pm] [ music | coldplay-the scientist ] Disorder Rating Paranoid: Moderate Schizoid: Moderate Schizotypal: High Antisocial: Low Borderline: Very High Histrionic: Moderate Narcissistic: Moderate Avoidant: High Dependent: High Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate -- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- haha, i found that very interesting. i went to tower records today, and saw carl and then i had dinner at luigis and saw cory! it was like karate reunition! woot woot! my mom and my sister keep attempting to talk to me about things....i dont know, i guess i'm being a "typical teen" but i never feel like i can get through to them...hate to use the oldest cliche in the book...but they just dont understand.

my left brain know that love is fleeting [09 Oct 2004|05:15pm] [ mood | realizing how slow she is ] [ music | one way or another-blondie ] went to the mall last night. first i was walking around for about half an hour, and then decided to read for a while, waiting for people to show up. then josh saw me and so i walked around with him for another half hour. and we found ethan, pat, corey, tony and dave, finally. and they left like 10 minutes later. hahaha josh was pissed. it was hilarious, they were having a fashion convention thing and all these people were walking around in bad clothes holding little signs that said stuff like "talbots" or "eddie bauer" or whatever. so me and him made signs that said "hand-me-downs" and "chic-fil-a". oooh man, it was soooo funny. and also there was some dude with a baby holder on, but from the back it looked like a gun holster, so i was like "holy shit josh, that guys gotta gun" and josh just goes "uuuh thats a baby" hahaha i am so slow. then i found heather and lincoln and jessie showed up a little later, i didnt really get to talk to lincoln, but it was nice to finally meet him. and i also met her friend kathryn who had the most insanely awesome cow girl hat on! and she was wicked cool. it was awesome getting to see heather again! i also ran into andy, amy and some other people and tina, ariel, georgia and sam. the night was alright. i babysat aaron today, it was pretty easy. it was supposed to end at 1 and they didnt show up till 3:30, but i made 40 bucks, so whos complaining? now tonight i think we're getting take out and watching a movie with auntie beth and kelly. dude...people ask eachother to homecoming here?! i totally didnt know that.

hold me, love me. [07 Oct 2004|05:47pm] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | the beatles-8 days a week ] i have two philosophies on love. one is my own, one is bettys. but its a good one. ( all you need is love. ) yeah, i don't really know the signifigance of posting those. i just found them interesting. i've never been in love or have loved. but like i just imagine, those would be things you'd wanna take into consideration when you are in love... (its happening again, i don't want it to. please someone make it stop.wait, you can't can you? because i don't even know what it is, or even why it happens. but its creeping up on me all over again...oh god. i just want it to stop)

she hasnt got the faith or the guts to leave him [06 Oct 2004|06:59pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | killers-all these things that i've done ] i was gonna like not bother updating, but i'm bored and have to go to karate in like 15 minutes anyway...damn i really dont feel like going...oh well. i have to. ( your livin in your own Private Idaho ) i performed my monolog...i swear i'm spelling that wrong...today, in drama. and i kicked ass! for the most part. which reminds me, we saw Mr. C on the bike path today...he kicks. yeah thats right, just kicks. okay, i swear to god, if me and john got sex changes, we'd be eachother. so many people have asked us "are you related?"

there is an old cliche, under your monet baby. [05 Oct 2004|06:33pm] [ mood | worried ] [ music | midnight show-the killers ] i have this weird feeling somethings wrong. not with me, but like a friend of mine or something. i hate when i get this feeling, cause it means 2 things: 1, i am gonna be weird about it all night until either it just goes away or i figure out nothings wrong. 2, someone could actually have something wrong. so naturally that bothers me. cause there really isn't much i can do to fix it. so like if theres something wrong, that you dont wanna keep completely secret. let me know. even if you dont tell me what it is. just so i can put my mind at ease. what the hell is wrong with me? oh and also, i wrote a poem called "No Make-up Today". Cause a while ago, John was gonna use it for a band name, but he didn't and it sorta inspired me to write this. Hope you like it. ( no make-up today ) *HUGS*

who do i pray to, to straighten out this problem? [04 Oct 2004|02:28pm] [ mood | calm, sad, bored. ] [ music | pixies-Hey ] i just got back, from the funeral/wake. and i really don't know how i feel. sunday. yesterday. was sad and happy for me. it was sad, cause it was hard to see honeys body and the whole atmosphere of the place was gloomy. i didn't start to cry, until betty came. thats right! i got to see betty!!!! and i just overflowed with emotions when i saw her, and we hugged for like 5 minutes. cause shes missed us too. then, after the wake. we went to dinner at Fridays, which was okay...only wicked slow. and we just talked and reminisced and she showed us a book of poems by anne sexton. it was all really great. and the best part was, she was okay for the first time, since i've been seeing her, she seemed alright. more alright than i've become used to. and i loved it. i love her, so much. i'm so glad shes out now, it means i can go see her more often. maybe its weird that i have this tight of a bond with my cousin, but i dont care. then today, the funeral. it was actually less emotional than the wake...betty wasn't there, cause she starts school at her new high school, which is the alternate high, with only 15 kids! the thing that got me going...was that i looked over and i saw my grandpa. and i thought about how much i love him...then it hit me, that one day. he'll die. and not only him...but all of my family, and my loved ones. and they wont be around. and it scares me. and i thought about what would happen if my mom died or my sister, if i'd be able to pull through it. or if my friend did. i dont think i could ever handle it, if a friend did....especially someone really close to me. death, is a scary thing. so now i'm wicked bored. cause usually, i'd be hanging out with a bunch of people right now...and i'm here, cause i didnt go to school...well, thats okay. cause i start training today, so that'll keep me occupied. and maybe, if i decide to be that big of a loser, i'll walk over to the school and catch the late bus and come back. or maybe not, couldnt say. ...i've decided that at the end of my entries i wanna put *hugs* unless i am pissed off. just cause it seems nice... *hugs*

orange popsicles and lemonaaaade [03 Oct 2004|02:15pm] [ mood | final ] [ music | tv. last comic standing ] okay. i was reading over old entries, from when i was with warren. and i need to make an entry, for myself. to get a sorta closure on it all. so i guess it was nice in the beginning, like the first week. cause i saw him all the time, and talked to him on the phone constantly. then school started and i had lunch with him everyday. and we never talked really, we sorta said things. and i'd attempt to start a convo, and he'd finish it in a sentence. and we never talked on the phone. so i was pretty much there for him to make out with. because, whenever i was over there. when we werent making out, we'd hang out with his friends, not that i hated his friends or that i thought i should be the only one with him...it just would've been nice to talk to him, you know? and by the end, i was basically getting called a bitch. for talking to my best friend. where i forgave him for flirting with dusty, over and over again. i knew it was coming to an end when it did. and i blamed myself. now i realize, i shouldn't have blamed myself for any of it. because, besides me getting mad at him and dusty for flirting, nothing was going wrong. and he knew that. we could've gotten through everything, and he backed out cause i was a "concerned girlfriend" as mia would put it. and i could've even complained about shelby, (some girl hes going back to in penn), but i didn't. and i always told myself, he deserved better. then i realized, for the first time ever. i deserve better. me, the girl who sells herself short for all things, is saying that i deserve better. cause in the words of carolyn he really "didnt treat me right". i really needed that, to get out everything that was wrong with him...and how much i'm over it. for me. (i would've made it an lj cut or whatever, but its being a pain in the ass) well, i'm leaving in half an hour for the wake, and then staying over a hotel and going to the funeral tomorrow. so i'll see you all on tuesday. i just wish it would hit me *hugs*

tin, roof, rusted! [03 Oct 2004|01:10am] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | b52's-mesopetamia ] dude. i feel like death right now. this weekend was pretty cool. slept over johns friday, twas some fun shit. but i am too tired to update on it all. it was me, john, steph, ryan, thomas, pat and ethan. man, even if i wanted to, i couldnt update about it. cause i'm way too tired and cant remember like anything. went to the mall tonight, around 9. and thats when i felt sick. and i felt bad cause tracys dad had to drive me home. and he was all wicked pissed. i have to go to honeys wake tomorrow. then her funeral on monday. it still hasnt sunken in. and i dont know when it will. if itll be at the wake/funeral or even afterwards. it just doesnt seem right. like i keep picturing christmas, and shes there. and its not hitting me, that shes not gonna be there. ever again. even as i type all this. its not coming to me. i think there's something wrong with me... *HUGS*

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]